He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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