If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
