I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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