I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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