No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
