I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
