you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You were trust falling into bushes
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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