I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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