And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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