Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Buhtt sex?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The uberlube is also flammable
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
