4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
