i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
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did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
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My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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