We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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