Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
