you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
