Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
