Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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