This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
