they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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