so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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