I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
