There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
