god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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