My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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