I'm sorry my penis didn't work
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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