Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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