He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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