i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
