so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
