just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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