My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
