I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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