She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
