i think my tv is drunk
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
That's when you crack a 10am beer
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
