If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
