i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
