I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
