Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
