Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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