Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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