he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
