At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
