I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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