cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
