end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
