Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
