We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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