I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Apparently you make a good broom.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
