Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
