i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
