Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
