you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
