I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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