My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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