If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
