He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
