I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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