I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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