I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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