Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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