so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
