I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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