Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
