I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
